Ignorance and inventions
by ponygp
Summary: mistakes in a lab lead to a few good laughs. excessive drug and alchohol use and abuse.mild language and stuff!


1 Ignorance and inventions  
  
By Ruffy!!!  
  
This is my baby. My offspring. Mine, mine, mine!!! But several of the names used belong to horses I do not own, but I figure those owners are too chicken to sue, but they might do it anyway. Nevermind. They gave me permission to use the names, so that should hold up in court!!!  
  
2  
  
3 Scene 1  
  
(An old laboratory, lit with candles and bottles and beakers scattered over the broken tables. In a corner stands a woman with a weird apparatus.)  
  
Tonka: Finally, after two years of trying, I have found success.  
  
(Enter Fillepa)  
  
Fillepa: What have you got there, Tonka. Another failure?  
  
Tonka: No, success!  
  
Fillepa: In what? Nail removal?  
  
Tonka: Wrong again. It's a current. (Indicates with hands) It flows through these wires and it makes things do, things. I call it Eeelicktrosity!  
  
Fillepa: That's great, bring on the martini! We must celebrate!  
  
(Tonka and Fillepa leave and after a few seconds, in come Ballas and Blommie)  
  
Blommie: You know, Balls, I think I may have discovered the future of the world!  
  
Ballas: How'd you do that, Blommie. Please tell me. (Hiccup)  
  
Blommie: I call it a computer. It can control anything and one day all computers will be connected by a thing I call the Internet.  
  
Ballas: Uh, don't be silly, Blommie. That can never happen.  
  
Blommie: It can, but someone has to discover electricity first.  
  
(The door opens a bit and Leam looks in.)  
  
Leam: Hey, Ballas. I've got some new stuff. You interested?  
  
Ballas: I told you, leave me alone! I stopped doing drugs. (Looks at the audience) Drugs are bad, kids. It messes up your head, it makes you stupid, forever.  
  
Leam: Okay, sorry. I heard Fillepa down the hall, she's always willing. And careful what you say, it's bad for business. (Leaves)  
  
Ballas: There's only one thing that helps for the obsession. Spaghetti. (Shuffles off to corner of lab.)  
  
Blommie: Ballas, we can't have lunch yet. It's too early.  
  
Ballas: No, you don't understand.  
  
Blommie: I do, I told you to eat a proper meal, but no, Ballas knows best, Ballas doesn't want to eat Cornflakes.  
  
Ballas: But I heard the ice-cream truck.  
  
Blommie: (shaking her head) Ice-cream isn't proper food. You should eat something like.  
  
Ballas: Spaghetti. (Staggers off)  
  
Blommie: No, not quiet, but it's better.  
  
(Laughing and stomping is heard. Enter Tonka and Fillepa, with Leam)  
  
Tonka: Leam when I'm rich.  
  
Fillepa: And famous.  
  
Tonka: Yeah, famous. I'm going to try my hardest to make drug dealing legal.  
  
Leam: No don't do that. Where's the thrill? It's like drinking and driving, you only do it to feel that adrenaline rush when you get home without your licence being taken away.  
  
Fillepa: No, you stupid, pathetic excuse for a male! You do it to get arrested. So you don't have to find your way home.  
  
Tonka: Easy Fillepa, be nice to him. He's part of the Mub, you know.  
  
Fillepa: You mean Mob, right?  
  
Tonka: Nope, Mub. It's like the Mob, only Irish. (Walks to Blommie, grabs her and lifts her to her feet. Thrusts a beer bottle into her hand) Blommie, I'm going to be rich.  
  
Blommie: I don't think I should drink, I mean it might make me forget my ideas.  
  
Tonka: Nonsense, I invented Eeelicktrosity and I was stoned. A cocktail of Hunters, Bacardi's and LSD.  
  
Ballas: (In the corner, near Tonka's apparatus) Ooh, spaghetti!  
  
  
  
4 Scene 2  
  
  
  
(The lab, Tonka, Fillepa, Leam, Blommie, Gary, and a whole lot of others, dancing, drinking. Biscuit is carting in crates of beer, brandy etc. Donegal is standing on a crate ending his song, 'No Matter What'. )  
  
Tonka: Hey, big boy. Sing us some Celine.  
  
Donegal: Celine Mosheel? Opera?  
  
Tonka: No you fool, the Canadian girl.  
  
Donegal: I only support artists from my country. Viva Ireland.  
  
Tonka: Viva isn't Irish.  
  
Donegal: What can I say? I've been here to long. How 'bout Catatonia?  
  
Tonka: No you nincompoop! Get off there, I'll sing.  
  
(Donegal hops off the crate and watches.)  
  
Fillepa: (Moves towards Donegal) I will apologize on behalf of Tonka. She's not herself; the price of Crack has just gone up.  
  
  
  
Donegal: I don't like her.  
  
Fillepa: Don't feel bad, not many people do. Will a drink make you feel better?  
  
Donegal: Yes.  
  
(Biscuit is chasing Blommie and they bump Fillepa and Donegal away. Biscuit catches Blommie, they wrestle and finally Surprise gets a grip on Blommie.)  
  
Biscuit: Drink it! (Holds a bottle to her mouth.)  
  
Blommie: No! Let go! (Steps on Biscuit's foot)  
  
Biscuit: Ouch! (Lets go)  
  
Blommie: (Brushes herself off) I really don't think I should. drinking is bad for your liver and it messes up your head. Tonka lied.  
  
Biscuit: Tonka never lies. She's my hero. When I grow up I want to be just like her.  
  
Blommie: I'm happy for you (Looks around) Where's Ballas?  
  
Biscuit: You've hurt my feelings, I'm going to tell Tonka.  
  
Blommie: You do that.  
  
Biscuit: No, I wont. I don't have to listen to you, you're not the boss of me.  
  
Tonka: (Finishes her song, bows.) Thank you, thank you. I would like to take this opportunity to announce my latest invention. Eeelicktrosity.  
  
(Cheers)  
  
Tonka: Thank you, thank you. (Blows kisses to the crowd) No, really, stop. (Silence and she looks around a little hurt) It works by charges moving in a system of wires and it does amazing things. My previous invention, the bulb, glows when you put it in the circuit. It will change the way we live, forever.  
  
(Cheers)  
  
Reporter: When will it be marketed?  
  
Tonka: I don't know, I'll answer more questions then. Right now all you need to know is that I'm single.  
  
(Reporter scribbles in booklet. Blommie runs past, Biscuit behind her with a bottle of cane. Leam is staggering around, Gary walks over to him.)  
  
Gary: Leam, you're drunk, I think you should take it easy.  
  
Leam: Me, drunk? I haven't even gotten started.  
  
Gary: Leam, you are drunk.  
  
Leam: Are you sure.  
  
Gary: Yes!  
  
Leam: Absolutely sure?  
  
Gary: Yes, I'm positive.  
  
Leam: That's okay then, I thought I was cripple.  
  
(A few crashes are heard above the noise. Blommie runs past, Biscuit on her tail. Tonka is surrounded by people demanding her attention. Blommie skids to a halt near by. She spins around to face Biscuit.)  
  
Blommie: Stop! (The whole room goes silent and everyone stares at Blommie.) Look at you! You're chasing me around, trying to get me drunk and the bottle you're carrying is empty. No, I won't drink and no I don't want drugs. I just wanted to spend the afternoon working on my computer, but no. Tonka and Fillepa come in and throw a huge party and I get chased by a little midget that can't spell her own name! (Breathing heavily)  
  
(Crowd looks on for a little and turns away. The noise rises and Biscuit steps towards Blommie.)  
  
Biscuit: Blom, I'm sorry.  
  
Blommie: That's okay, as long as I convert one soul.  
  
Biscuit: No, I didn't realize the bottle was empty. You wait here while I get a new one. (Runs off)  
  
  
  
  
  
4.1 Scene 3  
  
  
  
(Half the people have left. Blommie is searching for Ballas. Biscuit and Tonka are talking.)  
  
Biscuit: She said you lied. That drinking is bad for you.  
  
Tonka: Blommie's a liar. She makes up stuff like that as an excuse. She's scared of what it can make you do. My best work has been done while I was drunk.  
  
Biscuit: But she's right. I can't spell my name!  
  
Tonka: Neither can I.  
  
Biscuit: Anything you can't do must be okay then. You're my hero Tonka.  
  
Tonka: I'm my hero to, Biscuit.  
  
(Biscuit runs off and Gary approaches Tonka.)  
  
Gary: Do you want to join my gym?  
  
Tonka: What's a gym?  
  
Gary: It's a place where people go to do healthy stuff.  
  
Tonka: Oh, so it's like this. Drinks and stuff.  
  
Gary: No, but seeing all these people made me ask why they drink so much.  
  
Tonka: And why is that?  
  
Gary: Elementary, they haven't got anything better to do.  
  
Tonka: Oh, I started drinking at four, so I can't remember why I started.  
  
Gary: So, you'll join?  
  
Tonka: I joined a similar thing last year. Paid 200 bucks. You know, I haven't lost any weight. Apparently you have to show up.  
  
  
  
Blommie: (Peering in to the gloom.) Balls?  
  
Ballas: Ah, ooh, uh, yarg.  
  
Blommie: (Lights a lamp) Ballas! What have you done?  
  
(Ballas behind a table, wires in his mouth)  
  
Ballas: Yarg wa spegatto.  
  
Blommie: No, we can't go to Spagetto's. We had Italian yesterday. Are you okay? You don't look to good. Gracious, you're high as a humming bird.  
  
Ballas: Hot Kwi, mo tow arg barno.  
  
Blommie: Tonka's going to kill you.  
  
Ballas: No! You must protect me!  
  
Blommie: So you are Okay?  
  
Ballas: Uh-uh, e lat oky.  
  
(Fillepa comes over, with a bottle of brandy)  
  
Fillepa: Ballas? Last time I saw you like that was at.  
  
Ballas: They don't need to know, Fillepa.  
  
Fillepa: Oh, yeah. What are you using? And without me!  
  
Blommie: (Looking at the wires.) I think the current and temporarily jumbled the molecules of his brain. He's on some kind of trip.  
  
Fillepa: Listen, just 'cos I got high marks in chemistry, doesn't mean I understand what you're going on about.  
  
Blommie: I worked so hard for my grades and I get it. What's your story?  
  
Fillepa: To Mr. Bracken and his A grade and the back seat of his BMW.  
  
Blommie: (Snorts) Some of us worked for our futures.  
  
Fillepa: Some of us work out. (Looks Blommie up and down.) Go to a gym, honey.  
  
Ballas: Er, Fillepa, gym hasn't been invented yet.  
  
Gary: Actually.  
  
Fillepa: Weighless?  
  
Ballas: Nope.  
  
Gary: I'll take this opportunity to announce 'the gym'. My invention.  
  
Fillepa: Whatever.  
  
Blommie: Tonka is going to kill him.  
  
Fillepa: Not if I can help it. Tonka!  
  
(Tonka, followed by Biscuit comes over the rest of the party gather around. Gary leaves.)  
  
Fillepa: Take a bite here, Tonka.  
  
Tonka: It's my Eeelicktrosity! What have you done?  
  
Fillepa: Just do it, Tonka.  
  
Ballas: Just do it is on copyright.  
  
Fillepa: Not for two hundred years, Ballas.  
  
Tonka: My invention. I demand to know what you did to my invention.  
  
Fillepa: Do yourself a favour and take a bite.  
  
(Tonka looks around for support, the rest of the people are leaving slowly)  
  
Tonka: (Takes a bite in the wires and pulls back quickly) Whoa! Head rush. (Falls back)  
  
Fillepa: If we market it as a drug, we can make a lot more money.  
  
Tonka: We?  
  
Fillepa: I have a degree in something. Not sure what.  
  
Tonka: I have a diploma in B AT and I discovered Eeelicktrosity.  
  
Fillepa: I also have a B AT diploma. Bitch Attitude is the first thing I ever learnt.  
  
Ballas: Tonka? Can I have some more?  
  
Fillepa: After me, Ballas, after me.  
  
Biscuit: Hey, what about me?  
  
Fillepa, Tonka and Ballas: You're too small!  
  
Blommie: Wait! Electricity if important for the development of the new world for us!  
  
  
  
4.2 Scene 4  
  
4.3  
  
4.4  
  
4.5 (Tonka, Ballas, Blommie and Fillepa are gathered around the table with the Eeelicktrosity, the rest have left)  
  
4.6  
  
4.7 Tonka: Okay, okay, me now, me now.  
  
4.8  
  
4.9 Blommie: Maybe you should stop.  
  
4.10  
  
4.11 Tonka: Shut up, Blom, (Takes a bite into the wire and takes a long drag)  
  
4.12  
  
4.13 Fillepa: (Holding a beer can) Easy Tonka.  
  
4.14  
  
4.15 Tonka: (Her body starts lifting in the air and soon she starts floating) Ahh. Help.  
  
4.16  
  
4.17  
  
4.18  
  
4.19 Scene 5  
  
4.20  
  
4.21 (Tonka is still in the air. The rest are all taking turns with the Eeelicktrosity. Blommie isn't around. The door bursts open and in come five police officers, led by Blommie.)  
  
4.22  
  
4.23 Blommie: That's them, officer. That's them!  
  
4.24  
  
4.25 Officer 1: Okay, people. You're all under arrest for. (Looks at officer closest to him.)  
  
4.26  
  
4.27 Officer 3: You're under arrest for whatever you're doing.  
  
4.28  
  
4.29 Fillepa: Drugs, sonny, drugs.  
  
4.30  
  
4.31 Officer 1: What she said. Book 'em.  
  
(Officer 2 and 4 grab Ballas and officer 5 takes Fillepa.)  
  
Fillepa: Tighter, stud.  
  
(Officer 5 blushes and tightens his grip on Fillepa)  
  
Fillepa: Oh yeah, that's it. I've always liked men in uniform.  
  
Officer 1: Blommie, didn't you say that there were four?  
  
Blommie: Yes, there were. I don't know where they are.  
  
Officer 1: Never mind, we've got nothing on them and we can't arrest the little one, she's too young. Gentlemen, let's go.  
  
(Officers leave. Blommie stays behind and looks around the Lab. Suddenly the door bursts open. A man in a black suit steps in and two men in space suits follow)  
  
Man In Black: I'm from the science section of ASA. I heard about a new apparatus that was built here. Really advanced scientific knowledge we haven't managed to discover yet.  
  
Blommie: (Points to the table) There sir.  
  
(Snaps his fingers, the other men walk to table, pick it up and leave. Man puts on sunglasses.)  
  
Man In Black: And the scientist that built it. I must take him with me.  
  
Blommie: Him! That's so stereotyped. It was a woman! A woman!  
  
Man In Black: And where is 'she' now?  
  
Blommie: I don't know.  
  
Man In Black: Well, there's nothing I can do about it. (Takes a torch like gadget out his pocket) If you would look this way.  
  
(Blommie looks at Man In Black. A light flashes.)  
  
  
  
Scene 5  
  
(Tonka is back on the ground. The lab is empty and Tonka is pacing around and runs her hand over the empty table. A white light washes over the lab.)  
  
Tonka: Curry?  
  
Curry: Yes. Tonka, it is I.  
  
Tonka: Oh mighty Curry, god of science, I gravel at your foot. (Tonka bows)  
  
Curry: I see you are still high. What you did was wrong Tonka.  
  
Tonka: Was it?  
  
Curry: In 'The Laws Of Science', my personal theory book, it says under no circumstances may you misuse an invention.  
  
Tonka: I know.  
  
Curry: I hope you feel ashamed. You could have lengthened the life expectancy of people. You could have made life easier for billions of people. Instead you used it as a narcotic and got your friends arrested!  
  
Tonka: I'm so ashamed, sir.  
  
Curry: Say it like you mean it.  
  
Tonka: I'm so ashamed sir!  
  
Curry: And what are you going to do?  
  
Tonka: Bale my friends out of jail, sir!  
  
Curry: Wrong!  
  
Tonka: Get new friends, sir?  
  
Curry: No, you are going to find Blommie and apologise for everything. You are going to ask for her brilliant scientific mind and if she's be as kind as to help you rebuild electricity. Maybe call it Currytrisity and donate all profits to widows and orphans.  
  
Tonka: Great idea, we should have more of them.  
  
Curry: No, we shouldn't. I changed my magnificent mind. Donate the money into my personal retirement fund.  
  
Tonka: And my friend sir?  
  
Curry: Friends? Friends leave you floating, high as a hot air balloon.  
  
Tonka: I'm not that fat.  
  
Curry: Do real friends leave you in the air while they go to jail and have all the fun?  
  
Tonka: No!  
  
Curry: That's right! Are you going to listen to me?  
  
Tonka: I'll have to think about.  
  
Curry: Tonka!  
  
Tonka: Oh, yes sir. Yes sir!  
  
(Curry leaves and the curtains close.) 


End file.
